In a recent edition of The Ethicist, a letter to the editor style publication from the New York Times, Kwame Anthony Appiah responds beautifully to a difficult question a reader asked about whether they should cut off an acquaintance who has committed racist acts.

Like you, I favor a bit of grace in a world full of sinners. And cutting off everyone who is morally flawed would leave you with a very small coterie of friends — who might then be tempted by the flaw of moral vanity. (In which case you’d have to get rid of them, too.)

You say you’re an equality-minded liberal. The way to live your creed isn’t by curating a spotless feed of spotless minds but by helping people do better. Hew to the norm; judge the person by what he does next; show grace where it stands a chance to help someone grow. That’s the difference between moral vanity and moral work.

This dovetails nicely with my last post, Counterproductive activism. I would never defend racist acts, obviously, but I agree that moral work demands helping others to be better, if at all possible. The rest, as he says, is moral vanity. Gosh, what a great term.

By the way, helping others to be better means approaching their wrongdoings with kindness, curiosity, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. It's a slow and painful process, but that's how change happens. This approach is needed even when others cause severe harm. In fact, it's needed especially when others cause extreme harm. Just ask Megan Phelps-Roper, who left the incomparably hateful Westboro Baptist Church only after others had the idea to challenge her with patience and curiosity. Telling someone off in the form of “advice,” when you know the message won't be heard, because it makes you feel better about yourself? That's not moral work. That's moral vanity.

Am I guilty of moral vanity? Yep, in ways I both do and don't notice. Even this post might convey a kind of moral vanity. If you notice times when I'm guilty of it, though, let's talk about it.

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I want to help create a better world. That involves persuading people to see things differently—to care more about animal suffering, for example—but I also need to be sure I'm not pushing people away.

Little does more harm to a cause than the perception that its adherents are crazy. I've never heard anyone say, “Gosh, vegans are nuts… I should be one of them!” Purity tests are similarly destructive. Want to make an enemy out of a potential ally? Chastise them for not being good enough. On the contrary, celebrating small steps in the right direction achieves so much more than demanding perfection. (Guess who else isn't perfect. I'll give you a hint: you can find them in your mirror. Mine, too.)

Protesting outside KFC and throwing red paint on fur coats probably increases animal suffering, on balance, by deepening the resistance and habits of those who oppose ethical veganism. Similarly, having a meltdown when someone disagrees with one's economic vision probably hinders the economic justice they're after.

For that reason, I'm so frustrated and disappointed that social media fosters extremism and encourages users to preach to the choir. It's worse than a massive opportunity cost. It actually leads us to harm those we are trying to help.

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Some of the best healthcare is free: fresh air, sunshine, exercise, clean water, good sleep, meaningful relationships, and real foods from the Earth. (Well, whole foods like these are not free, but they're often less expensive than the big, bright, fantastical confections that dominate grocery store shelves.)

Of course, none of this is enough, or our ancestors would have lived much longer than they did. Vaccines, medicine, and medical treatments obviously extend life and improve outcomes in profound ways. But to a large extent, what we're lacking—what I'm lacking, at least—is not the big business of medical technology. It's healthier habits and deeper engagement with the real world.

I'm just beginning to really understand this, and I want to be better, so I'm writing this partly as a reminder to myself.

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I have some stickers that say, “Nobody cares about your fake life on social media.” I don't think anything sums that up better than this collection of people looking ridiculous, desperate for likes, as they pose for Instagram photos. The collection is focused on men who take photographs of their girlfriends, but men pose like this, too.

Likes aren't worth much. You just look ridiculous.

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Remember, if you don't pursue your own stupid idea, you'll end up pursuing someone else's stupid idea. Case in point: Liquid Glass. Someone at the top thought it was a good idea, and thousands of Apple employees were apparently too afraid to say, “This sucks.”

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Politics is not supposed to be a team sport.

—Unknown

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The ad-based web has failed.

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I was recently listening to a podcast about the Branch Davidian cult, led by David Koresh, and how the FBI attempted to end the standoff by, among other things, flooding bedrooms with light to prevent sleep and blaring the screams of dying rabbits over loudspeakers to drive the Branch Davidians insane and hasten their surrender. Apparently, someone thought this was a good idea, and apparently, no one was brave enough to tell that person they were wrong.

The lesson? Speak up. Trust yourself. If you don't pursue your own stupid idea, you'll end up pursuing someone else's stupid idea, and I promise—I promise!—the latter is often much, much more stupid, precisely because people are afraid to speak up.

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Two nights ago, I slept on the floor next to Kika, my sweet black cat, as she neared the end of her life. I told her something that I'd like to remember, because it may be true and it may be important.

I don't know if there's any problem that can't be solved better with love.

I vaguely recall the phrasing being a bit different, perhaps slightly less awkward, but I can't remember the exact wording now. No matter. Rephrase it if you like.

Kika passed peacefully early yesterday morning. She was a wonderful cat, and I miss her very much.

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The internet can be a confirmation bias machine. If one wants to find evidence that Wegmans is amazing, they will find it. If one wants to find evidence that Wegmans is terrible, they will find it. For that reason, I don't think anyone should celebrate when they find others online who agree with them. It feels like validation, but I believe it's meaningless.

Consensus is different. If almost all people who are knowledgeable about a certain subject agree on some fact, despite their different upbringings, cultures, and worldviews, then it probably is true. Can one find people online who believe that pandas speak Latin? Probably. The internet is a big place. Can one find broad consensus that pandas speak Latin? Absolutely not. That's one way of knowing it's probably bullshit.

Is broad consensus everything? No, but it's a strong indicator of truth. Add it to your truth detection scorecard. Have it replace “my tribe agrees with me.”

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